Past Imperfect – #509

Questionable Developments

By Brian Lageose on April 6, 2017 • ( 23 Comments )

Within minutes of the start of the advertising shoot, it became crystal clear that something was terribly awry. Let’s listen in as the models attempt to psychologically survive the madness of the wrong people making the wrong decisions at all the wrong times…

Poutina, left: “We are never going to be hired again for the rest of our time on Earth.”

Grutchen, right: “Girl, you need to settle down. It’s not that bad. Just act like it’s the first time you ever had sex. You didn’t know what you were doing, he sure as hell didn’t know what he was doing, and you both got a rash. But life goes on and eventually you find someone who wasn’t raised in a barn.”

Poutina: “But I’ve never had sex. I’m from Oklahoma.”

Grutchen: “Oh. Well, that does change things a bit. My condolences. Still, you can get through this by always believing in yourself and always making sure you have a condom in the nightstand drawer.”

Poutina: “Condom? Is that what you do to old buildings that need to be torn down?”

Grutchen, suddenly in need of vodka: “Oh, honey. You had a long way to fall from that turnip truck. Let me try it from another angle. We are here to sell a product. That’s all we need to do. Just smile and act like you’ve just had sex with… like you’ve just heard an inspiring sermon from Preacher Lillywhite at the First Baptist Church of Clodhopper, Oklahoma and you’re so ready to put something in the offering plate that you’re practically vibrating.”

Poutina: “Oh! I’ve actually been to Clodhopper and I vibrated. Maybe I can do this. But exactly what are we trying to sell?”

Grutchen: “I have no idea. Something about beer steins for people who like tennis. I really don’t know. But the point is that we have to put some sexy sizzle into the mix. Or, in your case, you should vaguely try to remember that you have a vagina.”

Poutina: “Vagina? I’ve never travelled that far. But my momma’s family comes from West Vagina.”

Grutchen: “And I had such high hopes for you for roughly two seconds. I tried my best to be supportive and all, but there’s only so much you can expect any decent human being to endure. I think we might have to unfriend each other on Facebook at this point.”

Poutina: “Don’t give up on me yet! You’ve taught me so much about condoms and vaginas and offering my plate to preachers that I feel it’s only fair that I give you some advice as well.”

Grutchen: “Oh? Clodhopper has some cornfed wisdom that I haven’t already heard?”

Poutina: “Yes. Did it ever occur to you that you should wear a bra in public?”

Grutchen: “No.”

Photographer: “Okay, ladies. Smile for the camera!”

Click.

 

Categories: Questionable Developments

Tagged as: Authors, Blogging, Books, Comedy, Equality, Flash Fiction, Humor, LGBT, Oklahoma, Photography, Sarcasm, Short Story, Vintage, Writing