Ronald Reagan, Donald Trump and Joe Biden walk into a bar…
Ronnie, left: “Some day I’m gonna be president.”
Trumpy, middle: “Why would you do that? Is there any money in it?”
Joey, right: “I’m gonna be president, too. But first I’m gonna be a Councilor and then a Senator so I can learn the ropes.”
Ronnie: “Learning is overrated. When I’m president, I don’t want people to figure out that I’m lying.”
Stumpy: “I can lie. I’ve been doing it all my life. Say, maybe I should check out this president gig.”
Joey: “Come on, guys. We should do the right things that help the most people.”
Ronnie: “Oh, screw that. I’m gonna be a conservative, because than you can do whatever you want and not worry about helping anybody but your political base.”
Dumpy: “Now I’m getting kind of aroused. Where do I sign up?”
Joey: “Look, both of you are forgetting that public service is about understanding that everybody has a right to equal opportunity.”
Ronnie: “Oh, really? Like the opportunities you’ve had to make women feel uncomfortable? I’ve heard the stories, Joey, with the inappropriate touching.”
Humpy: “I love making women feel uncomfortable and I touch them whenever I want because I have a lot of money. Well, my daddy has the money, but it’s basically mine, so, same thing.”
Joey: “That’s it. I’m done with both of you. I may have fumbled a few things in my life, but that’s nothing compared to the nastiness the two of you will unleash.”
Ronnie: “Get over yourself. Americans have a short attention span and that’s why the Republican party still exists.”
Trumpy: “I have a short attention span, too! That’s why I love Twitter. What were we talking about?”
Joey: “You know, Ronnie, I’m a little worried about this short-ass freak between us. Maybe this is one of those patriotic times when the political parties work together to stop the insanity?”
Ronnie: “I couldn’t agree more. He’s a clueless moron that reeks of incompetence. But here’s the thing, Joe. After I die, the Republican party is going to veer off into an immoral wasteland of ineptitude and cluelessness.”
Dumpy: “I love that wasteland. I was born there!”
Joey: “So how do we save the soul of America?”
Rachel Maddow, designated moderator of this impromptu presidential debate: “Gentlemen, we only have a few moments left until we morph into a huge block of unrelated commercials, so please summarize your political legacy in four words or less.”
Ronnie: “Ignorance is a blessing.”
Frumpy: “Fear motivates my base.”
Joey: “Decency will triumph eventually.”
Somebody bangs on a cowbell and the three men race off to review the latest polls.
Ten minutes later, Rachel Maddow walks into a bar…
Bartender: “What can I get you?”
Rachel: “Well, I feel compelled to apologize to the rest of the world for the absolute travesty of current American politics. Do you have a drink that can help me with that?”
Bartender: “Oh, don’t worry about it. The rest of the world stopped taking us seriously the very second that Trumpy laid his grabbing hand on the Bible and swore the Oath of Office. We’re now just a terrible sitcom that should have been cancelled two years ago.”
Rachel: “But I still feel bad about our image. That fake-tan blob of ineptitude in the White House does not represent most Americans.”
Bartender: “Fair enough, and true. But until all the decent people actually start voting in every election instead of sitting at home and whining about things, this sitcom is going to be renewed for another four seasons.”
Categories: Unexpected Developments
Crusty Pie 
Luckily you posted this before Attorney General William Barr has a chance to summarize and redact it.
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I barely made it. He was pounding on my front door as I hastily hit “post”…
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This photo is priceless! The guy on the left even looks like Ronnie. The guy in the middle looks like an anxious poo … er, poodle.
But never mind, Brian. I believe that that amorphous blob of whiny reeking gas will land on his ass. In a recycling bin. For natural fuel. Waaay off the grid.
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The guy on the left actually IS Ronnie. I winged it with the other two, but there’s enough of a similarity that I thought I could squeak by.
And yes, the gasbag will eventually deflate, but not soon enough for me…
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I don’t think Biden can beat Trump. He’s an establishment candidate. The Democrats need a change candidate if they want to win in 2020.
I don’t think Reagan would have approved of Trump.
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Your full of shit young man your nothing but a commie piece of shit.
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Looks like somebody didn’t pay attention in grammar class…
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Amusing, but to accurate be downright funny.
Now that The Peaceful Pub has closed down, my new blog is at:
https://farragoexpress.wordpress.com/
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Yep, accuracy can sometimes take the fun out of it.
I have hopped over and followed your new blog…
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Frighteningly funny and all too real!
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Thank you! (Sorry for the obviously-late response, but I just now noticed your words after someone made a fresh comment below. My bad.)
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Liked & Shared. Thank you.
_
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Love the gradual and cyclical name changes throughout 🙂
This post is funnier post-November 2020, but it’s still all too real!
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Thanks for noticing the name changes. I love writing my little stories, and I often get so invested in sprinkling little Easter eggs twisty bits into them that I fear some folks zip right past them… 😉
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Being someone who used to live in Wash DC, I think the biggest problem in American politics is money.
Long, money sucking election campaigns were needed in the 19th and 20th century because the people needed to see and hear the candidates via whistlestop tours, But that is no longer the case. The need to raise huge sums of money disqualifies many candidates and dooms the voters to the same usual suspects that have had to “sell their soul” to getting the necessary funding.
The other connected issue is lobbying, again a hangover from the 19th century to makesure cattle ranchers in Denver got heard in Wash DC. Lobbying by big business should be banned, it corrupts the system and the politicians.
I do agree with Biden on many issues including that voting regulations should be standard in every state, to stop voting rigging attempts, moving voting stations and disenfranchising non white voters. But both parties need new leaders willing to reset the political landscape and give the people a sense that their vote counts.
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Hey Kevin,
I’m in complete agreement with everything you’re saying.
Money IS the biggest issue. Hard-working, relatively-decent candidates on a modest budget simply cannot compete with trust-fund billionaires who flood media with ads and publicity stunts, drowning out the message of those who earnestly want to do the right thing. There should be limitations on campaign expenditures. And, more importantly, the Citizens United ruling should be reversed. That insipid Supreme Court decision has gutted fair disclosure and allowed “dark money” to run elections.
Yes, the whole concept of lobbying should be revised and regulated. Again, it’s not fair that a huge corporation can have a team of well-financed lobbyists whilst a non-profit can barely afford the postage to send a letter to Congress. There’s got to be a balance in there somewhere.
And the Voting Rights issue? Well, I look at it this way: When it comes to Presidential elections, it’s a national election and therefore there should be national voting standards, not a web of state-by-state variations. The same with Congress. You are electing members to a national body, and those members should all get there via the same methodology. It gets a little more murky with state and local elections, but even then there should be regulations ensuring that no one is disenfranchised.
Finally, yes, the leaders of both parties need to reset. One party is in thrall to a delusional tyrant, and the other party has no cohesive plan for anything. It’s a mess. We’ll just have to see what happens…
Thanks for your comment. I enjoyed pondering your thoughts.
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