Professor Eugene Oregonus is a member of the tenured faculty at The University for People Who Can Actually Afford to Go Here. As such, with that “tenured” angle, just like Supreme Court justices who are worthless but somehow got the promotion, he can say whatever he wants without […]
Nadine: “Why are you handing this to me?” Postman Pete: “It’s addressed ‘To the Lady of the House’.” Nadine: “You’re assuming that this is my house. And that I’m a lady.” Pete: “You did sort of walk out the door just now.” Nadine: “That doesn’t prove anything. I […]
Photographer: “Inez, honey, could you put that down? Inez: “What? The book?” Photographer: “No, your…. why in the world are you even doing that?” Inez: “What? Reading?” Photographer, sighing: “Your leg, Inez. Are you sending a signal to the Coast Guard?” Inez: “No, dear. The AC is out […]
Photographer: “Giselle, I need you to show more emotion. You look like you’re having a root canal.” Giselle: “But Henri, there are always the cameras in my life, I am bored and unsatisfied.” Henri: “You are wearing the latest fashions from the hottest designer, Chanel de Coco Puffs. […]
Lady on the Left: “I hate this stupid motorcycle club and I wish I’d never signed up for it. This is what I get for agreeing to do something after I’d had 14 Sloe Gin Fizzes at the barbecue last Saturday. Drinking just makes me say yes when […]
Let’s hope that the mirror, mirror explains to Giselle that one doesn’t pair frilly window treatments with low-grade Venetian blinds. (We’ll overlook the glaring, slatternly choice of nearly exposing her trundle bed to the world. Some people have challenges in their life that just can’t be met.)
Ruth: “I suppose we should get up and actually do something with our lives.” Betty: “I don’t really see the point. I still have plenty of cigarettes left, I could do this all day. Although it would be nice to have an ashtray. Sorry about the carpet, dear.” […]
Marlene: “Do I look like I’m impressed with this outfit?” Director: “Well, no. But you never look impressed with anything. Has anybody ever actually seen your teeth? “ Marlene: “I never smile. Smiling is for lazy people.” Director: “Should I mention that Zukor is thinking of doubling your […]
Dalia: “So what is it, Doctor Man. Can you tell what’s wrong with me?” Doctor Man: “Well, I think you’ve got shingles.”
I tried to wash that man right out of my hair, but I ran into a few complications: One, I couldn’t find the right shampoo at Walgreen’s. (Exactly what ingredient should you look for? Essence of man-gone? Somebody needs to write a brochure about this.) Two, I never […]
I know I’ve been a very bad boy, off doing my own thing and (mostly) ignoring WordPress. It’s been a full two weeks since I’ve posted anything here, and I’m mildly blue about such. That being the case, I thought I’d best share something extra fun (at least in my own mind) to make amends. […]
In a random moment of erratic thinking, I thought it might be fun to compare my own psychological development with a fictional TV family. Here we go… 1. Cindy At first, this little urchin seems to be a non-starter, as we have little in common on the surface. But as I pondered more (there’s always […]
Background Note: This is a post from one of my long-abandoned sites wherein I assumed the persona of a pompous therapist and answered “real” questions submitted by the readers. Dear Dr. Brian, Why do people try to put round pegs in square holes? submitted by Serena L. Sweetie, Fess up. Were you drinking when […]
Laura thought she had the perfect existence. After all, four suitors were vying for her hand in marriage. Of course, three of them were related, although it wasn’t clear if they were related to her or each other or some combination therein. (This is what happens when the same families live in the same small […]
Note: This is a piece I recently shared on Medium, “my other blogging network”… I’ve been tagged a number of times regarding this concept, gentle nudges of inspiration, and I was feeling a bit guilty about ignoring said prompts and not jumping into the fray. And so it came to be, on this otherwise uneventful […]
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