Jordan, left: “I see that you have once again misunderstood my very specific directives about our attire this evening. I hope you’re proud of yourself.”
Joseph, right: “I misunderstood nothing. You said that I was to wear a formal tie and a boutonnière. I have done both, despite my misgivings and general disaffection for anything you might have to say to me.”
Jordan: “First of all, that boutonnière is wretched. It looks like you barely survived an encounter with a gastrically-challenged pigeon. And second, I can’t believe you would call that a tie. Was there an incident with a threshing machine in your dressing room? Perhaps the pigeon flew into the mechanics and things went awry?”
Joseph: “I fail to see how any roughage on my chest will even register compared to the flotsam and jetsam you have wound around your ears. Are you trying to get a better wi-fi signal in your wing of the manor?”
Jordan: “How dare you criticize my beribboning?”
Joseph: “Beribboning? That isn’t even an actual word. And it’s certainly not the one I would use to describe the travesty of your coiffure.”
Jordan: “That just proves how amazingly out of touch you are, Joseph. The spell-check function on this document didn’t have a problem with the word, so neither should you. And beribboning is all the rage these days in all the proper social circles, something you would know if you didn’t spend all of your time swilling vats of vodka and working on that insipid blog of yours.”
Joseph: “As we have discussed so many times that I could practically scream, that blog you have such disdain for is the only reason we are still married. It allows me to release my frustrations in the form of clever allegories that disguise the real truth. Just like that fake-ass necklace that you are wearing. I don’t know why you insist on sporting a cheap duplicate, when we both know you sold the real one to pay for your surgery.”
Jordan: “I can’t believe that you just went there.”
Joseph: “Why not? Because we are there. I’m tired of pretending that we’re not. In fact, when this interview starts, I’m going to confirm the rumors and make a clean slate of it.”
Jordan: “You wouldn’t dare!”
Joseph: “Watch me.”
TV Producer, rushing onto the set: “Okay, the interview is about to start. We go live in three, two, one…”
Geraldine, interviewer: “Thank you for joining us this evening, Lord and Lady Bratwurst. I’m very excited about getting to ask you a few questions and-”
Lady Bratwurst: “My husband used to be a woman!”
Lord Bratwurst: “Wait, what? No, that isn’t true. My wife used to be a man!”
Geraldine, eyes aglow with the prospect of such a delicious revelation: “Lord Bratwurst, why have you hidden your sexual identity for all these years?”
Lord Bratwurst: “But I haven’t! She’s the one that’s lying. Or he, really. Or used to be. Why are you focusing on me?”
Geraldine, feigning empathy for the cameras: “Lord Brat, it’s okay. We’re here to support you, even if none of this mess was in the original script penned by our writing staff. Tell me, when did you first realize that things were amiss with your sexual identity?”
Lord Bratwurst: “But I didn’t! Why are you believing her over me?”
Geraldine, feigning sympathy for the cameras: “I understand your confusion, but of course we’re going to believe Lady Bratwurst. After all, she’s beribboned. And everyone knows that beribboning is all the rage these days. You seem to have fought a pigeon and lost, and that doesn’t read well on TV. After the break, perhaps we can discuss the apparent threshing incident as well.”
TV Producer: “Cut to commercial!”
Original Note: None of the preceding should be taken in any way as a negative view of gender dysphoria or those who are dealing with such. I wholeheartedly support everyone’s right to be the person they were meant to be. But I don’t support beribboning. It’s just not pretty.
Cheers.
New Note: This blog has been neglected for far too long, especially since I made the now-admittedly poor decision to start posting the new “Past Imperfects” on my main blog, Bonnywood Manor, instead of testing them out here, first. I’m in the midst of updating this site so that all the Past Imperfects can be found in one location. This means that some of you will be seeing an influx of posts that you’ve already seen on Bonnywood, as you follow both blogs. I’m hoping that you’ll excuse the redundancy and, possibly, enjoy a chance to revisit some of the stories.
Double cheers.
Categories: Unexpected Developments
Crusty Pie 
Is her other name Harry and his other name Meghan? 😉
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I think you might be on to something… 😉
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This reminds me of a wedding account I once read in a newspaper in a country town. The last sentence read ‘the ring bearer wore knee socks and a boutonnière’.
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I wish I had BEEN at that wedding, surreptitiously taking photos and imagining future blog posts… 😉
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