Past Imperfect – #510

Slenderina, left: “Oh, look! The Goodyear blimp is flying overhead and flashing a message, thanking us for representing a body image that most woman can never hope to achieve no matter how hard they try.”

Low-Carb Barb: “Well, I suppose that’s sweet and all, but lately I’ve been wondering if we’re doing the right thing.”

Slenderina: “Why on earth would you be wondering such a thing? We’re so thin that if we turn sideways, the only way you can find us is if we stick out our tongues. The advertising agencies love that. I bet we can get on the cover of Emaciation Weekly.”

Low-Carb Barb: “Yeah, maybe we could, but why would we want to do that?”

Slenderina: “Don’t be silly. If we’re not thin, we’re nothing. If we let ourselves be the shape we were intended to be, no one would ever invite us to the right parties. And if we don’t go to the right parties, we’ll never find a man who can appreciate us for what we aren’t.”

Low-Carb Barb: “Okay. I think I’m done here.”

Slenderina: “Wait, where are you going?”

High-Carb Barb: “I’m going to go eat a cheeseburger. Maybe two.”

Slenderina: “But if you do that, you’ll never be in a fashion magazine. How can you feel pretty if you don’t distort your body image?”

Screw-the-Carbs Barb: “You know what makes me feel pretty? Accepting myself for what I am and not what others think I should be. Some people were meant for the runway, others were meant to run away from that which is meaningless. I’m ready to run.”

Slenderina: “You sound like one of those people who write… what are those things called?”

Epiphany Barb: “You mean books? Well, I haven’t written one, but I think I should be reading a lot more of them. And you should, too.”

Slenderina: “But it’s hard for me to hold up a book for longer than three seconds. I can barely lift these sunglasses.”

Yoda Barb: “Of that think you what?”

Slenderina: “That they should make lighter books?”

Barbed Barb: “It means that you are hurting yourself in order to make other people happy. You need to pull your head out and change your life for the better.”

Slenderina: “I don’t have the strength for that, either. Mine’s fairly lodged, apparently. But it would be nice if I could eat something dripping with fat every once in a while and not feel guilty. And why aren’t men held to the same standards? It’s so unfair. There is so much inequality in this country.”

Oprah Barbfrey: “It’s okay, girl. One step at a time. We’ll get through this. Now, take my hand and let’s try to make it to that taco stand over there on Martha’s Vineyard. Then we’ll march on Washington.”


16 replies »

  1. The last line was worth it, even if it had been bad, which it wasn’t. All those skinny girls shoplifting clothes to disguise the fact that they’re turning their vaginas into purses. Now, let’s take on those guys on the Jockey underwear packages… Talk about unfair.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Perhaps Mr. Howard Hughes was involved in this situation in some way, along the lines of the infamous structural-engineering he put into that Jane Russell bra. I’ll send him an email and ask him about it…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I could totally be friends with Barb! Her skinny friend too, i suppose, but she’d likely think me a bad influence. I love the occasional 🍔 and the more often than occasional cookie!

    Liked by 1 person

      • Right on! When i was 25, i foolishly worried about and hoped for such things, but even then, with my younger body, i wasn’t THIS thin. And no, i’ll never give up my enjoyment of food either. Especially of the dessert food group. That is a food group, right?

        Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! And I really enjoy your pieces as well. I’m in the midst of catching up on your site. (I get irritated with myself when I get behind, but at the same time I love being able to keep clicking and there’s another story to read!)

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks. It means a lot that you enjoy my stories. I really had a hard time writing off and on there for a few weeks, with all the Trump horrors going on. I finally figured out that it’s okay to shut it out once in awhile, but it’s also important to stay informed. Balance. It helps to read your fun stories too!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. For the edification (sorry $10 word that Slenderina will NEVER understand) for the UNDERSTANDING (factor) of everyone…..women CAN achieve that ‘look’ by rigorous corseting and frequent visits to a steam closet where they simply melt away (if they don’t die from the lack of oxygen that happens when that level of corseting occurs). I blame Twiggy and the 60s personally for making thinnest is best (didn’t say she got a graduate degree in English Grammar) an accepted way of life for American Women. And maybe I’m just jealous because my frame is ‘generous’ and I’ve never given a sh*t about fitting in skinny jeans nor been able to (the skinny minnies certainly seem to think so anyway). But I console myself with an alligator jaw and just move along. Those ultra thin people will never know the joys of clotted cream and chocolate mixed with raspberry jam on a triangle shaped doughnut. And I personally believe there will come a day when scientists the globe over will discover that there’s a connection between the size of a person and their wit. The smaller the size…the smaller the wit. Right? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • The mere fact that we all don’t share the same DNA means that we are not ALL going to look alike, yet the advertisers and “fashion experts” seem to believe that we all should. I am never going to look a certain way. On the flip side, no one is ever going to look quite like me, so I might as well embrace it and make the best of it… 😉


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