Director: “Greta, dear, it would be really swell if you could get off this couch and report to the set. Because making movies works best when the actors actually do that. Are you following me?” Greta: “Following you? Are you talking about SpaceLook? You know I don’t do […]
Awkwardly-Clingy ticket-taker at the Toulouse-Lautrec Metro Station in Paris: “Madamoiselle, I don’t know why you felt compelled to leap over the turnstile whilst bellowing something in Swedish, but I can’t have you running amok in the bowels of this city without acknowledging fair trade agreements. It’s anarchy!” PETA-defying […]
Greta, left: “I’m sorry, Daddy. I’ll try to do better.” Henry, right: “Splendid. So let’s review what we’ve just learned.” Greta: “I will stop stealing vodka from your private stock and then trying to seek validation by sharing said stock with my impressionable friends.” Henry: “Good. And?” Greta: […]
After a grueling twenty minutes of being on the film set with all the Little People, Joan retreats to her Personal Adoration Chamber for a few hours of reflection and self-worship…
Douglas, left: “Why are both of you looking at me like you know something that I don’t?” Jean, middle: “I’m not looking at anybody. When you use as much peroxide on your hair as I do, you lose a little bit of muscle control.” James, right: “I might […]
Cary: “Why are you walking in the door like that? Jean: “Let’s just say there was an incident and things didn’t work out well for me.” Cary: “But you look like you’re in pain? What happened?” Jean: “Well, apparently I made the mistake of trying to wear high […]
Meanwhile, in one of those conservative states where people voted for Trump because they apparently relish alternative facts over progress, another wedding night ensues… Deanna, left: “Darling, I couldn’t help but notice that your father is in the room as we are about to make whoopee.” Robert, middle: […]
Jimmy: “There’s something happening here.” Claudette: “There is? Is it my hairdo? I knew something didn’t feel right about this choice.” Jimmy: “What it is ain’t exactly clear.” Claudette: “Oh. Well, if it’s not me, you must be talking about the rather rude way you’re sitting, showing your […]
I know I’ve been a very bad boy, off doing my own thing and (mostly) ignoring WordPress. It’s been a full two weeks since I’ve posted anything here, and I’m mildly blue about such. That being the case, I thought I’d best share something extra fun (at least in my own mind) to make amends. […]
In a random moment of erratic thinking, I thought it might be fun to compare my own psychological development with a fictional TV family. Here we go… 1. Cindy At first, this little urchin seems to be a non-starter, as we have little in common on the surface. But as I pondered more (there’s always […]
Background Note: This is a post from one of my long-abandoned sites wherein I assumed the persona of a pompous therapist and answered “real” questions submitted by the readers. Dear Dr. Brian, Why do people try to put round pegs in square holes? submitted by Serena L. Sweetie, Fess up. Were you drinking when […]
Laura thought she had the perfect existence. After all, four suitors were vying for her hand in marriage. Of course, three of them were related, although it wasn’t clear if they were related to her or each other or some combination therein. (This is what happens when the same families live in the same small […]
Note: This is a piece I recently shared on Medium, “my other blogging network”… I’ve been tagged a number of times regarding this concept, gentle nudges of inspiration, and I was feeling a bit guilty about ignoring said prompts and not jumping into the fray. And so it came to be, on this otherwise uneventful […]
Crusty Pie 
Recent Comments