This is what therapists call “the money shot”, when the narcissism becomes so overwhelming that dinner is delayed whilst Vida Loca tap-dances where the Boeuf Bourguignon should be. Said therapists then race to clear their appointment schedules, because Vida will soon be knocking on one of their doors, […]
After a grueling twenty minutes of being on the film set with all the Little People, Joan retreats to her Personal Adoration Chamber for a few hours of reflection and self-worship…
Whilst other starlets dreamed of beautiful sets and handsome leading men and having a clever mansion on the good end of Sunset Boulevard, young Bette envisioned the day when she could slap Joan Crawford repeatedly during multiple takes….
Joan: “Look, I understand that you are upset, but there is absolutely no reason for you to be shoving your hand anywhere near my bosom. You’re not a casting director.” Cliff: “No, you don’t understand. I have been in the kitchen all day, sweating my ass off and […]
Bette: “Hmm. Just as I suspected, the gardener did not trim the begonias as I instructed.” Joan: “How on Earth can you be thinking about flowers at a time like this? You are keeping me prisoner in this house as we both struggle through a movie script that […]
Wallace: “You seem a bit out of sorts, my pet.” Joan: “Of course I’m out of sorts. Did you see how they treated me when we checked into this awful hotel? Wallace: “My dear, this is one of the most exquisite hotels in the country. The staff is […]
Joan Crawford: “Bob, we really need to talk.” Robert Aldrich: “What is it now, Joan? Was the caviar on the craft services table not stellar enough?” Joan: “Very funny. No, you need to talk to the people who are doing my hair. They aren’t listening to me.” Robert: […]
Marjorie: “It says right here in your contract that no scenes will be filmed unless your face is properly lit.” Joan: “And why would you have an issue with that? Seems fair to me, since you’re just a supporting player and I’m the star.” Marjorie: “You are not […]
Joan: “What do you mean you won’t allow me to check in to this hotel?” Desk Clerk: “We have a strict policy against letting people into the building with eyebrows that are bigger than the Chrysler Building. It’s a structural issue, and we can’t jeopardize the safety of […]
Joan: “Oh, my lover, you excite me so.” Cliff: “Really? That’s news to me. I’ve seen stronger signs of life at a mortuary.” Joan: “Oh, silly, this is such a romantic setting. How could I not be in the mood?” Cliff: “Romantic? This is a fake park bench […]
I know I’ve been a very bad boy, off doing my own thing and (mostly) ignoring WordPress. It’s been a full two weeks since I’ve posted anything here, and I’m mildly blue about such. That being the case, I thought I’d best share something extra fun (at least in my own mind) to make amends. […]
In a random moment of erratic thinking, I thought it might be fun to compare my own psychological development with a fictional TV family. Here we go… 1. Cindy At first, this little urchin seems to be a non-starter, as we have little in common on the surface. But as I pondered more (there’s always […]
Background Note: This is a post from one of my long-abandoned sites wherein I assumed the persona of a pompous therapist and answered “real” questions submitted by the readers. Dear Dr. Brian, Why do people try to put round pegs in square holes? submitted by Serena L. Sweetie, Fess up. Were you drinking when […]
Laura thought she had the perfect existence. After all, four suitors were vying for her hand in marriage. Of course, three of them were related, although it wasn’t clear if they were related to her or each other or some combination therein. (This is what happens when the same families live in the same small […]
Note: This is a piece I recently shared on Medium, “my other blogging network”… I’ve been tagged a number of times regarding this concept, gentle nudges of inspiration, and I was feeling a bit guilty about ignoring said prompts and not jumping into the fray. And so it came to be, on this otherwise uneventful […]
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