Past Imperfect – #552

George: “I’m so happy to finally have you in my arms.” Janet: “Oh, is that what you’re calling these things that are encircling my virginal body with an intensity that I can’t fully appreciate? For some reason, the phrase ‘death claws’ comes to mind.” George: “Whatever do you […]

Past Imperfect – #551

Carole was a bit troubled. That last things she could firmly recall in the fevered menagerie of her mind was that she had spent a quiet evening at home, enjoying a bit of stir-fry based on a recipe a neighbor had handed her during one of those awkward […]

Past Imperfect – #550

Nora: “Darling, must we really do this?” Nick: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Nora: “Of course you have an idea. You have an odd-looking piece of artillery positioned precisely above your crotch. I’m not sure what you’re trying to prove. We are both fully aware […]

Past Imperfect – #549

Janet, wife, captured in radiant afterglow: “Why on earth would you say such a thing?” Humberto, current but tentative husband, not captured because he was in the throes of a Bad Hair Day, that wretched beast: “I say such a thing because your glow speaks of life-changing sexual […]

Past Imperfect – #548

Arrogant Detective: “Are you actually telling me that you can’t identify the person driving this car?” Frustrated Potential Witness Who Didn’t Really See Anything: “How on earth am I supposed to know that?” Detective: “Don’t trifle with me. The security camera at Beulah’s Emporium of Wanton Sex Toys […]

Past Imperfect – #547

Tallulah was thoroughly unimpressed with her assigned role when the cast was announced for the 1923 London premiere of “A Yankee Thanksgiving: This Is What Happens When You Defy a British Monarch and Hop on a Boat Bound for a Colony That Has No Indoor Plumbing”. The play […]

Past Imperfect – #546

Tallulah Bankhead: “Dear God, would you look at me in these PR shots? The stress fractures on my face are bad enough, but that claw-hand I’ve got going on is far too much. I really need to cut it back to one bottle of bourbon a day. John […]

Past Imperfect – #544

Carole, Actress: “Wait a minute, I’m sensing something.” Robert, Actor: “And I’m sensing that you’re straddling my crotch with malevolent intent. Not that I mind.” Carole: “No, it goes beyond our crude attempt to get past the censors with suggestive but benign foreplay. It seems that a writer […]

Past Imperfect – #543

At the very last moment, the Sharks hired Marlon Soprano, a freelance dancer who didn’t care which team he played for as long as he got to perform his signature move, a double backflip ending in a manly split dripping with testosterone but no actual damage to the […]