Past Imperfect – #559

Unexpected Developments

By Brian Lageose on November 16, 2017 • ( 12 Comments )

Fred, left: “I’m sorry to intrude, but I just found these undergarments in the hallway, and I thought I might inquire as to whether or not you might wish to claim ownership.”

Melvyn, center: “Good God, man. Why so many words? Couldn’t you have just asked ‘are these drawers yours’? We’re very busy people.”

Jean, right: “Well, I can assure you that those tawdry items are not mine. I’m a complete virgin, and I couldn’t possibly have left those lying about as I wouldn’t dream of removing my own clothing. I’ve never seen my own hoo-hoo!”

Fred: “That’s a completely unexpected and unrequited response. I’m not sure how to process this information.”

Melvyn: “I’m not either, buddy. We’ve been married for a month now and she’s never let me cross the threshold.”

Jean: “Now, darling, don’t be so blue. I told you that I was saving myself for someone special.”

Fred: “And we continue with the information that I don’t really need to-”

Melvyn: “Special? How much more special can you get than being your husband?”

Jean: “Dearest, I let you hold my hand that one time when we drank a glass of wine at the Italian restaurant where that beastly man kept singing opera at our table. One would think that would be sufficient to stifle your carnal nature until I was spiritually prepared for further developments.”

Fred: “It seems I may have acted brashly by knocking on your door, and now all I want to do is escape. I just assumed that because I found a room key for this very door bundled up in the bloomers that I might find some resolution by making a house call. I shall now flee.”

Melvyn: “Wait! That room key smells like ‘Eau de Chastity’, the very perfume that Jean wears.”

Jean: “How dare you accuse me of sleeping with the room service waiter whilst you were in the shower!”

Fred: “I’m getting scared now. Can I just leave this here and pretend like none of this ever happened?”

Melvyn: “I thought I heard some odd noises as I scrubbed my neglected bits in the bathroom., but I just assumed it was the sound of my personal shame swirling down the drain. That sounds like a confessional, Jean. Explain yourself.”

Jean: “I don’t have to explain anything. And you have no right to question the sanctity of my glorious nexus. I cannot stand the sight of you and I demand that you and your unseen bits leave immediately.”

Melvyn left. The door slammed.

Out in the hallway…

Fred: “Do you think it worked?”

Melvyn: “Of course it did. She has no idea that I never planned to cross her threshold in the first place. Let’s head back to your room and make our own opera.”

Inside the room…

Jean picks up the phone. “Hello, room service? Yes, I’d like to order the cobb salad. And can you make sure that Arturo is the one who delivers it? Thank you.”

 

Categories: Unexpected Developments

Tagged as: Film, Flash Fiction, Fred MacMurray, Humor, Jean Arthur, LGBT, Melvyn Douglas, Movies, Photography, Sarcasm, Short Story, Too Many Husbands, Vintage, Writing