Social Awkwardness

Past Imperfect – #515

Henry: “I told you that I don’t want to talk about it.”

Anais: “But Henry, we are both progressive writers who have challenged the world to let us speak freely and openly, without hesitation, about our basic carnality and the ways in which we pursue and express it. Didn’t you just spend 200 of the 300 pages in your last novel celebrating the fact that women have a nexus of pleasure?”

Henry: “Of course I did. It’s one of my famous literary quirks. But that doesn’t mean I’m ready to analyze my… issue.”

Anais: “But that’s just it. You are not issuing. Your little soldiers are not marching forth. But there is no reason for you to feel ashamed in admitting that you are in the throes of erectile dysfunction.”

Henry: “Are you really saying that out loud as we promenade on the Rue de Testosterone in the City of Lights?”

Anais: “I don’t know why you just said that, considering we are actually stumbling our way down Degradation Avenue in Detroit, but I think I understand. Despite being revered by the counter-cultural fringe of literary society, a small part of you, and I’m not making fun of your anti-tumescence, still adheres to the American notion that manliness is based on virility.”

Henry: “How French of you to sublimate my situation into a critique of western values.”

Anais: “Oh, please. I’m not sublimating anything. The American airwaves are filled with advertisements about the sundry ways in which rigidity-challenged men can easily get their medical-insurance providers to cover the cost of raising the Titanic. We’ll put aside the fact that those same insurance people blow a gasket if they are expected to assist women in any way with their reproductive situations. The base line here is that American men who can’t get the ball in the basket should no longer hide in the closet of limp linguini limbo.”

Henry: “Okay, fine. My pasta has not been al dente lately. Are you happy now?”

Anais: “Yes, I am. Because that now allows me to address the other definition of erectile dysfunction.”

Henry: “Are you suggesting there’s more to the story?”

Anais: “Indeed I am, and I relish the opportunity to add another chapter to the saga. Just because you can get your infantry to salute, it doesn’t mean they get a free pass to invade foreign territory. You have to push the right buttons or France will not throw her legs asunder.”

Henry: “Ah, so this is a reference to foreplay.”

Anais: “It’s a reference to the fact that you don’t know what foreplay is.”

Henry: “This conversation sounds like another one of our books is going to be banned by people who like to pretend that sex doesn’t actually happen despite the eventual appearance of offspring.”

Anais: “Precisely. Now, let’s go find you some Viagra and an instruction manual.”


12 replies »

  1. “It’s a reference to the fact that you don’t know what foreplay is.”

    Okay. I no kidding interviewed maybe a hundred women, looking for anecdotal bad date stories. This is their number one. Clumsy, stupid, lousy, doink n go. I knew a guy from California who knew what foreplay was, who worked for in Meridian, Mississippi where it was unknown, and he would wait at the corner of the trailer park for all the jump on, get off go fishin’ husbands to head out on Sunday morning and par-tee down. They were all out of the shower and waiting for him. “Cause those guys could bounce for two minutes but they could fish allllll day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • There are so many different roads I can take with this comment, but I’ll limit it to this one: I now understand why the Urban Dictionary (Trailer Park Edition) defines “Meridian Method” as “a measured, leisurely-paced, possibly deception-involving manner of achieving mutually-satisfying accomplishments whilst less goal-oriented minor characters spend their time contemplating whether to fish or cut bait”…

      Liked by 1 person

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