Past Imperfect – #514

Edward VIII, abdicator and fool for love, left: “Do either of you know why we were invited to pose in this ridiculous manner, as if we’re part of a synchronized swimming team off the coast of Atlantic City, circa 1905?”

Billy Crudup, once-promising movie star who flared for a bit and then was apparently shoved to the side because his last name was a bit of an obstacle, middle: “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear what you said because of your ears. They seem to be affecting the soundwaves on this stage.”

Edward: “Really? Did you not notice the fifth moon of Saturn orbiting you own head? That’s a seriously black kettle.”

Billy: “Perhaps you don’t understand the rules of sarcasm. If I say it first, you can’t come back at me with the same theme. Besides, the guy on the other side of me also has a hovercraft as a left ear.”

Edward: “Duly noted. Let’s focus on why you are unable to stand on your own feet like a real man. Should I mention low testosterone? I understand you Americans often suffer from such.”

Billy: “And I understand that you British lost all relevance once the inhabitants of the lands you conquered decided they didn’t care for that conquering angle at all. How’s that working out for you now?”

Edward: “I have no idea how it’s working out. Did you not catch the part about my abdication? I don’t care what England does as long as they leave me alone and I can get Chinese food delivered whenever I want.”

Billy: “That’s an absurd thing to say, considering the royal family did not leave you alone and still sends monthly checks.”

Al Gore, yet another Democrat that would have been president if things were actually based on a popular vote, right: “Speaking of absurd things, did you hear that I supposedly invented the Internet?”

Edward: “So you’re responsible for all that insipid porn?”

Al: “Well, not personally. If I had an award-worthy endowment, do you really think I would spend my time fighting climate change?”

Billy: “Fair enough. But those wretched online dating sites where desperate people make desperate decisions. Are your fingerprints on that?”

Al: “Okay, let me break it down for you. There are a lot of stupid people in the world. It doesn’t matter who invented what, you cannot stop the deluge of stupid. You can poke your finger in the dike and hope for the best, but until people pull their heads out, it’s an inconvenient struggle.”

Edward: “So you did invent the porn sites. Because I think I’ve seen that very movie.”

Al: “No! Well, not that I recall. In fact, I’m really not sure where we’re going with any of this.”

Six eyes turned toward the writer of this piece. Along with four monumental ears.

Writer, not pictured: “Don’t judge me. It’s been a week since I posted on this blog and I had to get something out there.”

Edward: “Oh, I completely understand. If you don’t keep it fresh those fickle readers will run like the wind and never look back.”

Billy: “Been there, got the t-shirt.”

Al: “Say, did you know I invented blogging?”


8 replies »

  1. All I could focus on (after being temporarily distracted by whether or not Al Gore HAS an “award worthy endowment” or not) was what the hell is Big Ears (aka Billy Crudup – *rude snicker* ) SITTING on? I thought at first it was a pre-cursor to modern art and some enterprising and destined to starve to death young artist had taken all the left-over sailor pants and using that stuff we made pinatas out of — um…goopy, sticky, hardens into a ceramic like shell…aw..all I can think of is decollete and I KNOW that isn’t it.. anyway made a nifty little piece of art that will ultimately melt when the salt water hits it. Then I wondered if Big Ears was levitating and since we all know people can’t do that and it would freak out the herd, the photographer (ahead of HIS time too) Photoshopped in something for Billy to appear to be sitting on. Then it hit me. Billy hasn’t had his fiber since Jesus was a tiny child and was combing bits of hay out of his hair, and the cardboard-y pile of whatever that is, might actually be something Big Ears left as a parting gift. And why he was walking funny as he went elsewhere…that must have HURT in production..Why he’s sitting in it remains a mystery. Most sensible people, upon having a wardrobe malfunction of that magnitude, shed the offending garment and deny any knowledge of it. Even if there is a name label sewn right into the waist band…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Whew, you completely tuckered me out with the comment. In a good way, of course. I was so distracted by Al Gore’s package, wondering how I could tastefully incorporate it into the tale as I simply could not ignore it, that I didn’t really study that truly odd thing that Billy is perched on. I think it says a lot about our society that somebody created that and deemed it photo-worthy. Speaking of photos, the more I study their little bathing ensembles, the more I actually want to track down one of those JUST so I could take a picture of me wearing it and then share it with you. We would roll for three hours, giggling and snorting…


  2. “You can poke your finger in the dike and hope for the best.” In a bit about dating sites and porn? I am going to leave that completely alone, however I AM forwarding it via cosmic internet to Dr. Freud because your slip is showing.

    Liked by 1 person

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