Delusional People

Past Imperfect – #324

SR 1324

Tour Guide: “And over here, boys and girls, we have the Charles F. Nelson house.”

Little Billy: “Who cares.”

Little Andy: “My juice box is empty.”

Little Sally: “I gotta pee.”

Tour Guide: “It’s one of the most famous houses in Olalla, Washington.”

Little Billy: “Why? Did somebody die here?”

Little Andy: “Were they murdered?”

Little Sally: “Was there blood?”

Tour Guide: “Well, the house is over a hundred years old, so I’m sure somebody died at some point. That’s just how it works. But that’s not why we’re here.”

Little Billy: “We’re here because you made us get off the bus.”

Little Andy: “I wanna see a death house.”

Little Sally: “With blood.”

Tour Guide: “This house is a beautiful example of late-Victorian architecture.”

Little Billy: “Who’s Victoria? Why is she late?”

Little Andy: “Was she hacked to death because she was late?”

Little Sally: “Can we see her body?”

Tour Guide, giving up: “Okay, fine. Why don’t you little heathens stare at the darkened windows on the right side of the second floor. That’s where you might be able to see the ghost of Victoria the Axe Killer who chopped up hundreds of kids from private schools who had focus issues. If she looks directly at you, that means you’re next. I’m going to go over here by this blood-drenched tree, Little Sally, pop a calming pill that you should probably be taking, swig a gallon of vodka, update my resumé on LinkedIn, and move on with my life.”

Little Billy: “Oh, we drink vodka all the time.”

Little Andy: “That’s why I’m mad that my juice box is empty.”

Little Sally: “My favorite is Skyy Blood Orange.”

Tour Guide, stunned: “How are you terrible mini-humans allowed to roam free in public?”

Little Billy: “Offshore bank accounts.”

Little Andy: “Citizens United.”

Little Sally: “The NRA bitch-slapping Congress.”

Tour Guide: “This is insane. What has happened to your decency at such a young age?”

Little Billy: “Republicans cutting funding for education.”

Little Andy: “”Republicans gerrymandering the hell out of electoral maps.”

Little Sally: “Inbreeding.”

Tour Guide: “This is more than I can handle. I’ve got to call for backup.” [Tour Guide turns and runs toward a safe house that hopefully hasn’t been compromised by the mindless Walking Dead, whipping out her satellite phone.] “Bernie, this is Freelancer, I need an airlift. The stupid is thick in these parts.”

Ted Cruz, once again wandering into a place that he isn’t qualified to be: “Well done, my little minions who aren’t disturbed that I look like a pedophile. You shall be rewarded greatly for your efforts, even though those efforts are in support of a megalomaniac who has no boundaries. You can touch me now, basking in my glow as the next Jesus.”

Little Billy: “I want the money you promised me.”

Little Andy: “And my juice box is still dry.”

Little Sally: “And I still need to pee.”

Ted: “Now, now, my flock. Don’t worry your empty little heads. Have I told you the story about Saint Ronnie and the Trickle-Down Theory? No? Well, it goes something like this. Once upon a time, some lies were told…”

 

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