Past Imperfect – #269

SR 1269

Bertram: “I really don’t care for this coffee table.”

Beatrice: “Oh, really? You just don’t understand modern design, something you might have a better grasp of if you were weren’t constantly grasping a bottle of bourbon. That table is lovely.  It was created by an artist in Paris who only opens his shop every other Thursday. It’s a one of a kind!”

Bertram: “Thank God there’s only one of them. I keep expecting a gypsy woman to come in and tell my fortune. And it looks like a clown just melted into the floor.”

Beatrice: “You’re such a stick, Bertie. You know I only select the best pieces.  And we’re on the Home Tour every year. Those horrid women on the selection committee don’t let just anybody be on the tour. I have to stay current, even if it means spending ten months of the year shopping in foreign countries and I rarely actually live in this house.”

Bertram: “We’re on the Home Tour because we have a ton of money and people want to see how we live. It doesn’t mean that you know what you’re doing. What the hell are those dancing things on top of the book shelves?”

Beatrice: “Those are rare relics from the Mayan culture. I had to get several museum people fired just so they would quit pestering me about trying to sneak things out of El Salvador.”

Bertram: “That’s considered Mayan art? No wonder those people aren’t around anymore.”

Beatrice: “Fine. I don’t have to listen to this. I’m going into another wing of the house and look at brochures for Tibetan fertility statues created by monks who have never actually had sex. I understand that’s the next big thing, according to House Pretentious magazine.”

Bertram: “Before you go…”

Beatrice: “What, you want to psychologically badger me about the Natchez print on the sofa?”

Bertram: “No, not that. Could you help me up from this chair? I haven’t been out of it since last Tuesday, and the fear of the impending fortune teller is starting to wear me down…”


2 replies »

  1. Beatrice: Oh help yourself up! I know you can, I’ve seen you wandering around this mausoleum we call a house, peering in the rooms and mumbling to yourself. If we weren’t so wealthy it’s obscene, I’d think you were worrying about how much it costs to maintain our social standing and keep up with those darn Jones’ next door!”
    Bertram (aka Abe Vigoda as “Fish”): No, I really can’t get up. The weight of my eyebrows combined with all that cheek padding has rendered me top heavy and you know I’ll fall down and probably smash that damn crystal ball. That CAN’T be good luck!..Damn those idiots anyway who watched “Godfather” and all it’s incarnations and decided this ‘look’ was ‘it’ for the season! Say! Maybe you can do this place over in Italianate style next time?”

    Liked by 1 person

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